How to Rediscover the Original Colour of your Carpet

A few weeks ago, I left my university room, with its perfectly curated contents, and went home to my old room, stuffed with all the things I chose not to bring to uni. I’d spent three and a half months not missing all the crap that had accumulated since I was a kid, so it …

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Ode to Being a Fresher

Steaming means pissed. Also, see: twatted, and shitfaced. Mobbed is busy, and no is not. There’s a place in Scotland called Uphall Station, which isn’t a station. The station in Uphall station is called Uphall. Next to it is a town called Uphall. Going through it is Pumpherston Road. In Pumpherston, there’s an Uphall Station …